fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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