Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
