I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
