I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
