She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
