im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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