yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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