i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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