I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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