Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
