If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i now understand why vodka
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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