Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
