He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
