hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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