I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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