My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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