I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
