Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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