It's Friday. Sex?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
