she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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