Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
