I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
