my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
