HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
