the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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