Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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