A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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