I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
