i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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