I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
