matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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