Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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