The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
