he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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