you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
