fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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