I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
