I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
