You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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