Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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