Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
