i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
