i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
