youre lurking in front of me
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
