I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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