come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
