dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Pappa wants mamma naked
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
