I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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