and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
