Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
