I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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