If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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