wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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