hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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